where have i been?
when the new year came around, it came with so many expectations. i had many expectations. and i guess i didn’t want to write anything down out of fear that those expectations would not be met. some might say to not expect anything. but i’m going to have to disagree with that. not expecting anything allows for mediocrity. i won’t allow that, especially not for myself.
but, instead of setting the bar and aiming to reach it for the new year, i stalled. i distracted myself. i avoided facing my non existent career. i played these old video games that i grew up on. lucasarts games – grim fandango, loom, indiana jones, the dig, etc. (which btw i can’t wait for the revamp of day of tentacle and kings quest, hollaaaa) and though playing these games were enjoyable, i couldn’t help noticing that the reason i love these games so much is because they are so rich in character and story.
i yearn to be part of great storytelling. it’s emotional, it’s vibrant and visceral. it is what motivates me. but amidst all great storytelling out there, whether it’s through movies, television, books and radio, or even your next door neighbor because everyone has a story, i got insecure. who am i to contribute to great storytelling? i should quit right now because people out there are already doing it and they’re killing it.
if i had any expectations for myself, it was the expectation of not getting any auditions, of not booking anything this year, of perpetuating my non existent career. so fuck it, let’s get out of here, right? let’s make the expectation of my non existent career into a reality. and with that thought process, it came true. i left for viet nam, easily. in the middle of pilot season. i was supposed to go with two other friends, but in the end they couldn’t make it because of work.
although i had a great time in viet nam (when in rome right, #yolo), i couldn’t help but envy the friends that couldn’t make it. they gave up the trip for their career. for something to further their career, their dream. i didn’t have that. because i didn’t expect it for myself.
the other day i was listening to this podcast on thisamericanlife. http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/544/batman. it was about expectations. specifically, the reporters investigated the question of if people’s expectations can change whether a blind man can see. this was a very powerful podcast and i would totally suggest you to listen to it. i mean come on, it’s called “batman”. my takeaway from hearing it was this, (spoiler alert!) yes. people’s expectations of you can alter what you can do. because non blind people expected blind people to be limited, many blind people became helpless. except for this guy they called batman. hahah yes!
how this relates to me? i have to stop expecting myself to lose. non actors expect wannabe actors to fail. so if people expect us to fail, we will. we have. look at the odds! or actually, better yet, let’s NOT look at the odds. let’s NOT do this myself! let’s be like batman. to ultimately see without sight.