I know it´s been awhile but I guess I haven´t felt the need to update because nothing´s been happening. I’m still not going out to auditions as much as I want to, I still haven´t booked anything, still at the restaurant etc. etc. etc.
It is now December and I’m forced to look back at this past year and evaluate. I had made a list of goals last December for 2013 and most of it was not accomplished. And I guess to summarize this past year, and I hate to admit it, but I must … I feel that this year has been my year of resistance.
For my acting class, my teacher made us read ¨the war of art¨ by Steven Pressfield. I love my teacher and I love this book. Pressfield says that the enemy of creativity is resistance. It is that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, long-term course of action that might do for others or us something that´s actually good. We experience it as an energy field radiating from a work-in-potential. Any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term growth, health, or integrity, any act that derives from our higher nature instead of our lower will elicit resistance.
For me, acting is the thing that is eliciting resistance. I am self-sabotaging myself. I am the one that is not auditioning, not booking, complaining about my representation and not doing a thing about it. Why the fuck am I doing this? Fear. Fear that to put in all the work and to realize I’m absolute crap. Fear that if I actually book something, they´ll find out that I’m a phony. Fear that I’ll actually succeed…
I’ve been letting resistance beat me down for this past year. I’ve been poisoning my own mind, chastising myself that I’m a nobody, that I’m never going to make it, I’m never going to book it, I’m going to be at the restaurant forever and that I’ll never find parking in la.
There´s this thing called the law of attraction. What you think and obsess over, you´ll get. The universe will hear you and grant it, negative or positive. So because I have such negative thoughts, what I believe about myself becomes true. Jeez, resistance is such a bitch right?
Alright, so first thing in resolving a problem, you have to admit that you have one. Resistance is her name and she´s a big fucking bitch. I hate what she has done to me this past year. I am glad that I am able to recognize her hold on me.
So what to do? Pressfield emphasizes professionalism and work. ¨The most important thing about art is to work. Nothing else matters except sitting down every day and trying … because when we sit down day after day and keep grinding, something mysterious starts to happen. A process is set into motion by which, inevitably and infallibly, heaven comes to our aid. Unseen forces enlist in our cause serendipity reinforces our purpose. ¨
This goes with the law of attraction, trust, faith, and Ira Glass. What Pressfield says, I know to be true. For example, this blog post. I didn´t know exactly what I wanted to write. I didn´t know word for word. But I devoted a time, sat down and started writing. I’m not afraid of writing, so I felt no resistance there. It´s not what I’m meant to do. What I’m meant to do is acting. But with so much resistance towards it, I’m paralyzed. Then I make peace with my paralysis, thinking that since I suck, I should just not even try. I should just not even work. And then what ultimately happens? What I most fear becomes true.
So, I declare that for 2014, my goal is to never lose sight of the dream. To not be afraid, to have faith and to put in the work. I can do this.