lately i’ve been feeling melancholy (be forewarned, this post may be negative nancy) . in between my trip to vietnam and burning man, i’ve been working more than usual to make up money for rent and other expenses. it’s hard when working for a corporate restaurant that the guest is always right. always. so if that’s true, every complaint i’ve gotten from a guest matters. i don’t. also working at such a big restaurant, i’m just another server that is replaceable in an instant. with a schedule that seemed to be put together last minute with stations that nobody would want because i just don’t matter. in stations that i can barely make money (4 table section and 3 of them are two tops). in turn, i have to pick up more shifts that would make up the difference, consequently making me more grumpy, anxious and crazy, feelings that manifest themselves into aggression toward the guests, my coworkers, my friends and my family. let’s add that i tend to date guys that never make me a priority and that i constantly feel unimportant toward them. also, i’m trying to be an actor in LA where every other person is an actor and where at auditions you feel like cattle being pushed in some direction you can’t see ahead because there’s too many cows.
so i come home after a 6 to 7 hour shift. hours of feeling unimportant and that i just don’t matter. to a bed that is empty when all i need is a hug. 😦
i guess that’s why i want to be an actress so bad. to be on a set, to be an integral part of a project bigger than you. to matter.
i’ve been reading this book about a blind’s woman experiences with god. in it, there’s numerous passages of god being all loving and that everybody matters to him. i guess that’s a bit of a comfort. at least i matter to god. but then again, if everybody matters, how is one special?
alright mind over matter thi, get a grip! lighten up! things aren’t as bad as they seem. i cannot complain, i have a job, i have friends, i have family! i have a team behind me for acting (manager and two agents). i just went to viet nam last month and had a wonderful time. i hung out with a 3 year old that made me into a superhero (he was batman, i was hulk) and cried whenever i had to leave. i got to know my parents as themselves instead of as my parents. my mom is an extrovert and gains energy from other people. when she’s happy, everyone in the room is happy. i’m the same way, and i forget that when i’m sad, my debbie downerness affects everyone in the room as well. i found out that my dad is very much like me, that in times of sadness, he writes. for him it is a cathartic act. and just like him, writing this post has been a cathartic act. mind over matter thi. mind over matter.
dad, me, mom in viet nam.