what am i doing?
this past holiday i went home (to the bay area) to spend some time with my family. as my mom’s asking me how i was, i felt that there were still some doubts and worries regarding my career choices. although she tried to “reassure” me, saying “it’s fiiiine, i’m ok with it. it’s fiiiiine,” i could hear the strain in her voice as she kept repeating this phrase. now, i know in a past post i had wrote that my mom is worried about me. i have no stability, i have not booked any roles, i haven’t had an audition in almost two months, and my income is solely dependent on my part time jobs. but in the last post, i was invigorated by the challenge and was incredibly hopeful to appease my mom’s worries.
now i’m doubtful. what am i really doing? my mom’s mind frame got to me. i started worrying for myself. what if i never book anything? what if i’m stuck at the restaurant as a server forever? what if this dream only becomes merely that? a dream? am i delusional to think it could happen for me? god, even writing this out makes my heart stop. i know this kind of mentality isn’t healthy, but it got there. maybe i’ve been watching too much walking dead, but i had to think about zombie apocalypse/worst case scenarios.
this past week i went to a panel of casting directors to learn a few things about the business, and especially during pilot season. again, i was reminded all too acutely that the odds are stacked up against me.
during pilot season, these casting directors …
-get over 3000 submissions per role
-hold over 100 auditions a day for that role
-said that even if you are the top three choices, you have to not only repeat what you did (that could’ve been two weeks ago), you have to do it live in front of maybe 15 executives that hold your financial stability in their hands. not only that but in the moment before, you were in the waiting room with the other potentials that either look like you or are better versions of you. one could even be famous!
it’s daunting. it’s intimidating. it’s nuts. i am reminded of an analogy that describes the whole audition process. it’s like a surgeon coming in to show if he can do heart surgery without any knife, body or table.
what the fuck am i doing?
but after every storm, there’s still those rays of sunshine bursting through. as discouraging as everything may seem or even get to, the casting directors last words were moving. essentially they said “do you.” if you wake up in the morning thinking about it, if you go to sleep at night thinking about it, if you really want it by the tips of your skin — then this is what you’re meant to do. even if you don’t make money or be famous, you know that in the end, by just doing your passion, you will feel fulfilled. everything else will follow on their own. success deemed by society (accolades, recognition, money, fame) will come if you truly do you. don’t think about what other people want. if you do your passion religiously, you’ll be good at it, and people will flock to you. trust in yourself and your experience. trust in your preparation and just say the words.
i learned a lot from that panel. they really encouraged making your own content and with the ease of technology to share it. with that said, i’ve been working on a webisode of my own to feature me. it was an idea worked between me and my friend daniel. he was the one that said, “it doesn’t happen overnight.” he was the one that encouraged me to just produce, to just make, to just do (so ira glass). so here’s the first video of my webisode. i’ll post a video up once a week probably round friday or saturdays. just look under the video tab for new ones. “tanks to technology ;)”!