thi.nguyen

let's go.

fuck that shit

Leave a comment

ok, it’s been almost a year since i’ve been down here in la pursuing this.  and yes, there have been some milestones (good team, good headshots, business saavy, meeting casting directors, making connections) but lately i feel like i’ve digressed.

coming back from acting class tonight, i bombed in everything i presented to my teacher.  even while doing the scenes and cold reads, i knew i wasn’t applying myself.  i knew it felt wrong, i knew what i was doing wrong even before the scene ended.  i didn’t prepare, i didn’t do my homework, i didn’t apply the things i’ve learned.  i didn’t apply myself!

wtf is wrong with me?  i’m wasting my teacher’s time, my time, my money for what?  for me just coasting along?  i’m mad at myself because i know better, but i’m not doing better!  i can be sooo good, but i’m wasting away taking naps in the middle of the day, watching saved by the bell on netflix, fucking facebooking for god’s sake! ugh!

i reflected this back to a friend and he asked me “do you care anymore?  do you even want to do this anymore?”  this shocked me!  i don’t care?  does it look that way?

the thing is, i do care! that’s why i’m mad at myself.  i’ve been reading ayn rand, atlas shrugged (i love ayn rand, phenomenal philosopher of objectivism)  and in her book, she uses characters that are driven to their potential solely by pursuing their passion passionately, vehemently, even selfishly.  especially selfishly.  and by accomplishing, succeeding, being the best in their passion for themselves, do they actually contribute to the world.

“no matter how hard a struggle he had lived through in the past, he had never reached the ultimate ugliness of abandoning the will to act.  in moments of suffering, he had never let pain win its one permanent victory: he had never allowed it to make him lose the desire for joy.  he had never doubted the nature of the world or man’s greatness as its motive power and its core.”

i was watching mad men and one of the characters had quit her job to pursue acting and wasn’t getting anywhere, so her mom said, “this is what happens when you have the artistic temperament but you are not an artist,” and that alarmed me!  omg, what if that’s me?? what if i only think i’m an artist, but really have no skill or right to be in this field??

from this little thought, i’ve been getting into the mindset of “oh i suck anyway, why bother applying myself” which perpetuates my mediocrity.  it’s no excuse to be lazy, but in a way it’s a form of protection from getting rejected or god forbid to the possible reality that i just might not be good enough.  that’s so scary.

if i continue with this laziness, am i not letting “the ugliness of abandoning the will to act” happen?  am i accepting defeat and just going through the motions??

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

reading this entry out loud, i have to say, fuck that shit! no way am i letting some stupid intangible inconsistent insecurities get in my way.  i will not be weak, i will not accept defeat.  FUCK THAT SHIT! booyah.

Advertisements

Author: MsThiNguyen

Thi Nguyen likes Netflix on rainy days, fervent discussions on crime mysteries and anything Star Wars. She is highly inspired to learn from all walks of life and is driven to work with passionate and creative people. Check out her creative process/progress and her videos at www.msthinguyen.com.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s