I Live In Irony

I listen to Empire of the Sun when it’s overcast and Mike Snow when it’s sunny.  I crave intimate relationships with guys that won’t commit.  I hate waiting but I wait for a living (tables, auditions, that “big break”).

So I just got back from acting class.  My teacher is amazing and I absolutely adore her.  Adore her!  Anyways, at the beginning of class we always do these deep-breathing exercises, releasing thought and judgment to essentially being present and aware.  Since this exercise is in the beginning of class, often ppl are late and also since tomorrow’s a holiday, there were only two ppl doing the exercise, including myself.  My teacher says, “good! More attention to you.”  That made me feel very uncomfortable and I voiced that to her, in which she remarked, “Isn’t that ironic? That you feel uncomfortable with more attention, yet you want to be an actress where attention is pored on you.”

Later in class, she says something about how auditions are incubators for your insecurities, that when you’re in an audition, your insecurities come out, which prevents you from booking the part.  And since no one wants their insecurities at the forefront of a camera and a casting director, defense mechanisms come out to play that ultimately fucks your audition up and you go home like a broke ass hoe (my words not hers).   With some ppl, they might berate themselves and think that every thing they do is wrong and question their every choice, lacking confidence and not owning the room.  With me, in the audition room, the casting director is looking at me, the camera is probably zoomed in on me, and a blinding light is literally spotlighting me.  This set up obviously calls for attention which makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, which ultimately causes me to play everything casual so that I may melt into the wall behind me and come out unnoticed.  So GOD DAMN IRONIC that I don’t book shit.

Irony is the bane of my existence.


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