so yesterday i was in my improv class and i totally sank like the titantic. we were doing an exercise that i’ve done before, so i knew what to expect, but i floundered and judged my choices. listen, if i don’t trust what’s there, my own talent, why should anyone trust me? blegh. i was sharing this with another creative friend yesterday and she said that that’s the life of an artist. i go through bouts of thinking “god, my stuff is absolute crap” to “alright i can do this!” what’s hard is to keep the confidence consistent. here’s the thing, i know i have the talent, so when push comes to shove, why do i get nervous and forget everything i’ve learned? why is there doubt?
the other day, i went to an audition workshop. i had practiced the sides and had made interesting choices. but when i was in front of the camera, i depended too much on the script and i could feel my hands shaking. did i suck, no not really. but it wasn’t my best performance. apparently i exhale a lot. haha some people stutter, or say um’s and like’s. when i’m flustered and nervous, i exhale. usually it’s out of exasperation with myself but lately it’s my way of taking a pause while thinking of the next line. in any case, i do it too much where it’s noticeable that i didn’t bring my game. -exhale- hahaha that last one was out of frustration. i asked my friend how to lose the doubts and she just told me to get over it. good friend. harder said than done, so i’m just gonna take a shot before an audition, scene, or class. j/k she said that’ll just lead to alcoholism. she’s right of course.
i think this whole lack of confidence came about recently because i’ve been watching some really good television shows, and i find myself intimidated by the actors. i’ve been watching downton abbey and breaking bad. fabulous shows, i stay up late getting invested with the characters. and to be honest i watch it for the great acting from bryan cranston and maggie smith. they’re sooo great! it gets me all excited to be an actor, to aspire to be like them. conversely, it gets me to think “who am i to be like them? i’m garbage. i should just quit.” so why don’t i quit? because there isn’t anything else i rather do.
what’s the remedy to doubting myself from watching good television? reality shows. hahahaha, it’s a guilty pleasure because not only am i entertained but i am justified that i am not like them (i.e. the situation from jersey shore). it helps to get out of my head and instead of judge myself, that energy is geared towards the foolish personalities on television like snookie and the kardashians. just being honest.
but alright, i’ll leave this post with an upbeat note. this whole confidence thing has reminded me of the song confidence in me from the sound of music. i saw this clip on youtube and i thought, cool if this can give stewie, a baby, confidence, it can give me some too! yay!