who is that girl i see staring back right at me? hahaha. a good friend of mine sung that to me after i got a big makeover from my friends. omg so after vegas (went to vegas and had a good time btw) with the makeovers and the michelle phan makeup videos, i started experiencing with the limited make up i had. i also i have an empty apartment so i was more inclined to paint myself into a clown. i’m really interested in replicating the smokey come hither look. the makeup that mila kunis had on during the sag awards. or misa’s makeup for her westfield prints. i love the black eyeshadow, mascara, and liner. but alas, i didn’t have any black/gray eyeshadow nor did i learn how to apply from those damn phan videos, couldn’t sit through them. blegh, i tried my best with what i had and got an ok look. but after comparing to the looks i saw online and then looking at myself via my webcam, i found myself looking very foolish, almost like a kid trying on her mom’s slutty make up. gross right?
i don’t know what it is lately, perhaps i’ve been having too much time on my hands where it just leads me to over-think and over-criticize myself, but damn, i can’t stand myself right now. how i look, how i act, how i am! with the restaurant being extremely slow and my friends being so busy with deadlines, i find myself hanging out with myself a lot. A LOT. too much of anything is not good and i’m with myself 24 hours every fucking day. bleeeghh. the more i look at myself, i find more imperfections: my cheeks are too fat, my hair is too flat, my tummy fat sticking out, etc etc. i dont necessarily feel depressed or insecure, but it’s more like me A is tired of hanging out with me B. consequently me B is trying way too hard to be in me A’s good graces again, by working out and trying to minimize that muffin top. that shit doesn’t go in a day and A is still annoyed.
what does this have to do with my budding career? yesterday i was recalling some of my past auditions, especially the bad ones and one of them stuck out in my mind because i realized that i had TRIED TOO HARD. it’s kind of like that kid in high school that really wants to be cool and is super duper overly accommodating to the cool kids that it’s sad and pathetic. i was that kid at that audition! it ruined my nerves and it made me lose a call back. what happened? so it was a callback for a karaoke video game. me and 4 other girls were auditioning at the same time. after we each slated we also had to show our hands (hands that use the controllers you know). that kinda weirded me out because it was my first time slating my hands. i wasn’t prepared for it and needless to say neither were my hands (i’ve never had a manicure). alright then they set up the scene. i’m holding a water bottle and staring at a blank tv screen. the girls are cheering me on and i’m singing them a song. the only song i know is “can’t take my eyes off of you”. i sang it for my first audition and got a call back, so since it worked, i sang it again with this audition. buuut, i was sooo strung out wanting so much to impress the director, i sang the song grossly wrong. the line was supposed to be: “can’t take my EYES off of you” (seriously it’s in the title) but i said, “can’t take my HANDS off of you.” i’m singing acapella, at the top of my lungs, and you could seriously hear a pin drop after i sang that line. there was such an awkward millisecond silence, where the girls and i locked eyes and we knew i fucked up. ugh. what’s more, we had to do a pseudo interview with the director. he asks, so i hear you beat your bf on call of duty last night? all the girls answered, “yea, no problem, it was so easy.” where i got super awkward and said, “yea, i don’t know how it happened, i just pointed my gun and shot him. i mean call of duty isn’t even my favorite game, sing star (the name of the game) is my favorite!” so not only did i sound morbid and weird, but i was constantly plugging in the game which = TRYING TOO HARD. so fortunately me A recognizes that me B is being stupid and should just be cool. be cool in the sense of calming down, lightening up and just be free to go left or right. j/k be free to be me, the typical ending to any after school special. but that’s what it is! the cool kids in middle school, and high school were cool because they were comfortable being themselves. they were confident. i didn’t get this epiphany until sophomore year of hs where i got rid of my glasses and got contacts. and i guess recently i’ve forgotten this lesson.
but as superficial as it may sound, i did gain confidence after i felt i looked better. now that i’ve had contacts for so long and i’ve been looking at myself in the mirror so often these days, i feel like i’m ugly again. so i put on makeup. it’s an improvement but comparatively to the looks online and in the media, i’m still not marketable. bleeeeghh, what to do? how do i get space from myself??