I Want

So the other day, I was hanging out with some friends that I hadn’t seen for awhile.  They asked me what I was up to.  I told them about the whole acting thing and how I really want to pursue it.  How I’m planning to move to la this coming summer/fall.  Why not you know?  The more I talked about acting, the more I realized how much I wanted it.  I got really excited about it, trying to explain how the need to pursue it is affecting my psyche.

I’ve wanted this for a long time but I would do anything to prevent myself from following my dream.  Dude! Even the name of this blog is “the shy actress”.  Isn’t that a bit ironic? I want people to read this blog and I don’t mind sharing my experiences to strangers, in fact, it’s best for actors and actresses to get their name out right?  But I just don’t want people to know that it’s me writing this.  I dunno, I get super self conscious about acting.  After any project I do, I do want to see the final product, but I don’t want to see myself in it.  I cringe when I see my fat cheeks and weird nose.  Blegh.

Here’s the thing, I always knew I wanted to be an actor, but I never wanted to want to be one.  It’s a hard path, it’s not the safe and secure path that my parents wanted me to follow, and I just don’t look like any of the superstars in the media.  With my last entry, you realize how I thought acting was a joke, but yet I always kept taking acting classes.  Why?  I needed to feed the desire, to nurture the dream, even if I was in denial.

When did I finally realize that I had to go for the dream and not bullshit myself?  When I was in another country.  After college, after not finding anything to spark my interest more than acting, I ran away to Spain to teach English.  Why?  It’s a friggin SPAIN! But by the end of the year of yelling at Spanish elementary school kids, I couldn’t take it anymore.  My dream wasn’t this.  I resented the kids, I resented teaching, I resented Spain. It took so many years of denial, a BA in bs, and finally with me being in a foreign country to make me snap and think:  fuck, what the hell am I doing here?  I have to get back, I have to go for it.

And I have.  Alright, so I’m not in full throttle … yet.  I’m not in la obviously.  I came back from Spain to the bay area because I needed to ease my way in.  LA was too big, too harsh, I wasn’t ready.  I’m just gonna try it out for a little bit and just get it out of my system.  (First I was in denial, now I’m just a pussy).  ugh.  yea I got headshots, I got an agent.  I went on auditions, did student films.  But I still feel anxious.  Impatient. Held back.  Why is that?  Because I’m in SF, not la!

It’s kinda like you want this game, let’s say it’s the latest madden, and you do everything in your power to get it: you save up money and wait in line, you download it, you order it online, etc.  But with every effort, something prevents you from getting that game: it’s sold out, you downloaded a fake, etc.  So how do you feel?  Frustrated, anxiety over not getting it, planning/plotting your next move to get it because you’re determined to get it no matter what.

That’s how I feel now.  The thing that has been preventing me most from pursuing acting is me.  I know what I want and I have to go get it ASAP for my mental well being.  After years of preventing myself, I’m ready to burst out of the mental block I’ve put up for myself and just be.  I know I sound crazy, but wouldn’t it have been crazier if I had tolerated something I didn’t care for, for years and years and years??

The other day, my friend who picks on me a lot was telling me how he went to school with James Franco’s brother, Davey.  My friend told me how Davey would tell him when James was on the cusp of getting big.  How he was in Spiderman, winning a Golden Globe, etc.  How Davey said that James worked hard.  And then my friend asked me, “Are you willing to work your ass off for this?”  I replied without hesitation, “yes, duh.” Now my friend rarely says anything nice to me (he’s more the bullying older brother I never had), but he said this to me:

You sell yourself short too much.  I bet if people saw you on screen they’d think, ‘wow hot Asian girl’. I think you can make it.  If you’re willing to work hard, I really believe that you can make it.  It’d be cool if you did, cuz then I would tell people I know you.  You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.

That was the nicest thing he ever said to me.


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